An Iconographer's Blog

New Book On Icons

2011-07-08T12:51:00.002-04:00

Sanctify Those Who Love the Beauty of Thy House by Matthew D. Garrett | Make Your Own Book

So after months of work, and the last week of constant work, the new edition of my blurb book is done. Please check out the preview and order one (or several if you are so inclined) or forward the information to anyone you think might be interested.

Memory Eternal

2011-03-07T11:59:00.005-05:00

Just over three weeks ago, Saturday February 12, the weather in Boise was beautiful. It was unseasonably warm and the sun was shining. My wife and I were one day away from celebrating the two year anniversary of having met in person. But it was the ugliest day of my life. We were losing our baby.

About a month earlier, we had learned that we were going to have a baby. We were excited, anxious, nervous, and terrified, but most of all we were thankful to God for such a wonderful blessing in our lives. We started to prepare ourselves in earnest for the arrival of our child. Unable to keep such great news to ourselves, we called friends and family members. I refrained from yelling it from the rooftops, but only just barely.

In one of the many books about pregnancy, we read that the baby was about the size of a grain of rice. We started to refer to our child as "Uncle Ben." After about a week or two of calling the baby by that nickname, we had decided that we really liked the name Benjamin for a boy (we had settled on Juliana for a girl since that was the saint of the day when we first went to the church after finding out that we were expecting).

We fell in love with our baby. Our life became one of preparation. It became baby-centric. And on that warm February morning, the center of that baby-centric life left us.

There was a time in my life when I thought that a miscarriage was not a big deal. I always assumed that you didn't really fall in love with your baby until you saw your baby or held him in your arms. Without that new-baby smell, the cute little fingers and toes, the adorable little sound they make, what is there to love except fatigue, discomfort or morning sickness? I know now that a child who has not been born yet is one of infinite possibilities. My wife and I lost our son and our daughter. We lost a child who had the best qualities of both of us and none of the bad qualities of either of us. Our baby was beautiful, smart, funny, caring, loving, godly, and yet humble. Our child was all these things because they are a child of potential. As foolish as it may seem, you start living your child's life in your imagination, you anticipate all the wonderful moments. There is a reason why we like to think about our child's wedding day, and not their first car crash or head wound. We want all the best for our children.

I miss my child. I miss talking to Uncle Ben, even though he couldn't hear me yet. I have cried more for the loss of my baby than for any other loss I have suffered in my life. I have learned that the grief associated with miscarriage is profound, but seldom understood by others. Several people have since told me that they lost a child to miscarriage. In most cases, I never knew about their loss. I can't help but think it is because so many people don't want to hear about it. People tell you that it happens all the time and is no big deal. They tell you to try again or move on, and eventually you don't want to tell people because it is easier to suffer in silence. But I don't want to pretend like my baby never existed.

My wife and I named our baby Benjamin. We don't know whether our child was a boy or a girl, but we wanted to name our baby so that we could pray for him and remember him as a person. I painted the icon of the Holy Patriarch Benjamin at the top of this post to keep in our icon corner as a remembrance of our first baby. Though the baby's name started as a bit of a joke, I find it such a fitting name. The Patriarch Jacob had two favorite sons, Joseph and Benjamin, the sons of his beloved wife Rachel. When Joseph was sold into slavery, Benjamin remained. Jacob's love for his son Benjamin was so strong, that he couldn't bear the thought of parting with him even if it was necessary to save his people. And yet he had no choice but to let Benjamin go. In doing so, they were saved. I pray that this loss will be for my salvation and for the salvation of my wife, but I will forever remember my beloved child, and cherish the few memories that we have.

From a Name Synonymous With Christian Iconography

2010-12-27T12:45:00.003-05:00

What makes an icon holy? Surely it can't be the iconographer. Speaking for myself, I often fail in my spiritual life. At times I really try, and at other times I struggle to make even a small effort to live a life of holiness. From my conversations with other iconographers, I know that this is a common problem, which should not be surprising since most of us live our lives this way.

So if the work of the iconographer doesn't impart holiness to the icon, what then makes it holy? Surely it must be the image itself. The image reflects the prototype, and gives us a glimpse of the holiness of the person depicted. Most of us have many icons that are mounted prints. This is permissible because the image still reflects the prototype. It needs no iconographer to recreate the image because the iconographer imparts no actual holiness to the image anyway. Sure you need a few iconographers to create the images to be reproduced, but a photographic print is just as holy, just as real as a hand-painted icon. And since so many of us can't afford the cost of hand-painted icons, we are very fortunate that the mounted print is just as holy.

But what if you could have a hand-painted icon for the same cost as a mounted print? This morning I got an email from Shiva International based out of India. As you can no doubt guess from their name, they are in the business of selling icons... or at least they hope to be. They sent me several pictures of hand painted icons they have produced and would like to sell in the US, Greece, and a few other countries. They all look similar to icons, but just enough different that they look slightly off. There was no indication what the prices would be, but let's hope that they are cheap! With a little work, I'm sure they can get to the point that they look very much like the real thing. So if the iconographer is not what matters, and the image looks like the prototype, it must be holy, right? Or is there more to it than that?

I think that what is missing is that icons should be the work of the Church. We all know that if the priest doesn't pray or fast as well as he should that the sacraments are still holy. We all know that if the priest gets a few things out of order or misreads a word that the sacraments are still holy. They are the work of the Church with Christ as its head. So too icons must be the work of the Church. Whether hand-painted or mounted prints, icons should come from the Church. Those doing the work should be people striving to live a good life and in good standing within the Church. But we recognize that they too are fallen and in need of constant forgiveness. Our work in making them should be an offering to God and a service to our fellow man, and not a work of pure commercialism. We as members of the Church should support those whose ministry it is to create these icons for our Church. People in India need to make a living too, but where will we be if we support businesses before ministries?

My wife and I have been trying to eat more local foods, ones that have been sustainably raised, in a responsible and ethical manner. What if we were to do something similar with icons, prayer ropes, incense, candles, vestments, and other goods for our Churches and homes. A local producer may not live next door to you, but shouldn't they at least share your faith? Shouldn't they be a part of your Church in some way? Shouldn't the creation of these items be something that is passed on from generation to generation, one that gives back to the Church and its faithful people rather than just taking from them? Shouldn't we support those people who make quality products, who are familiar with the theology they are passing on, and who use their work to minister and not just make money? Of course the answer is yes to all of these questions. But when we look for icons, are we looking at the bottom line of price, or are we choosing to make our Churches healthier and our ministries stronger? I hope so.

Labor of Love Completed

2010-05-15T15:52:00.004-04:00

It's been a very long time since I posted anything substantive here, but I wanted to post this picture of the iconostasis at our Church, finally completed. Our wedding was nearly 8 months ago now, and I just recently added the icons to the Deacon's doors and added a few finishing touches to the Royal doors and St. John. In total, it took me about a year's worth of time, having to space things out with commission work.

I've been reflecting a bit lately on what it means to me to have this project completed. It was so important to me during the time that I was living in PA for Lisa to be able to have something in Church to remind her of me. At the time of the wedding, it was important to me to have them as a statement of how much I love my wife. Now that we are married, and that we are in Church together regularly, it is important to me as a reminder of how God worked to bring us together.

It seems to me that this is precisely why icons are important. One could easily assume that icons are a way of making the invisible visible. But this is not accurate. Icons are allowable, and in fact necessary, precisely because they make the visible visible. In a sense, they operate in much the same way as a microscope or a telescope does. One would be wrong to suggest that a very small cell or a very distant planet was invisible. They are fully visible, they are every bit as real as the things that we see with the naked unassisted eye, but they cannot be perceived without assistance. Icons help us to see what is visible, but not always perceived.

As a gift to my wife, these icons made lots of things visible. My love for my wife, the fact that I missed her when I was away, and the fact that God helped to bring us together across great distances. But my hope is that as a gift to the Church, they show us that God loves us all, that He loves us so much that He took on human flesh for our salvation, that He took that human flesh and ascended to sit at the right hand of God the Father, and that He sent the Holy Spirit to dwell in us and sanctify us just as He has sanctified the Saints and the faithful before us. Our God and His work among us is visible, and is there to be seen with eyes of faith. I pray that these icons will help those looking with naked eyes to get a glimpse into the eternal that they may grow in faith and develop spiritual sight.Here are closer looks at each of the icons in the iconostasis.

Christ the Light-Giver:

Pimen Mother of God

Royal Doors

Transfiguration of the Lord (Patron of the Temple)

St. John the Forerunner

Archangel Gabriel

Archangel Michael

New Website = Happy Dance

2010-01-29T14:20:00.002-05:00

Hello all!

Thanks to the hard work of my sister, I have a new website to share with everybody. The URL has not changed, just the design and some of the content. So please check out http://www.holy-icons.com and let me know what you think, share it with friends and family that you think might be interested, leave comments if you like, and please enjoy! I also want to thank my wonderful wife who helped me over the last several weeks to get all the content moved over to the new site. I am so thrilled with the new site, and I look forward to the greater amount of participation from visitors that this site allows.

The Painting and Praying of an Icon

2010-01-22T14:31:00.005-05:00

The following is taken from a talk given to an Episcopal Clergy Retreat in Jerome, ID recently:

In his manual for icon painters, Dionysius of Fourna, an 18^th century monk on Mount Athos speaks to the Mother of God about his desire to be an iconographer like the Apostle Luke whom tradition credits with painting the first icon of the Virgin. He writes:

“I wished to become his unworthy imitator, and started the art of painting icons, thinking that the desire to fulfill my duty to your most high and laudable magnificence was the same as the ability. However, in my arrogance I failed greatly, as nature did not assist me sufficiently or accompany my intentions and wishes.”

Our natural artistic abilities are inadequate to the task of depicting the incarnate God, His mother, and the saints. What is needed above all else is humility, prayer and God's guidance. If an Athonite monk was unworthy and incapable of such a task, how much less equipped am I?

The rules for an iconographer, as handed down to me by my teacher read:

“Before starting work, make the sign of the Cross; pray in silence, and pardon your enemies”

and

“During work, pray in order to strengthen yourself physically and spiritually; avoid above all useless words, and keep silence.”

And so, I have structured this essay around the Prayer Before Beginning an Icon, taken from Dionysius' Painter's Manual:

“O Divine Lord of all that exists, Thou hast illumined the Apostle and Evangelist Luke with Thy Holy Spirit, thereby enabling him to represent thy most holy mother, the one who held Thee in her arms and said: “the grace of Him who was born of me is spread throughout the world.”

Enlighten and direct my soul, my heart and my spirit. Guide the hands of Thine unworthy servant so that I may worthily and perfectly portray Thine icon, that of Thy mother and all the Saints, for the glory, joy and adornment of Thy holy Church.

Forgive my sins and the sins of those who will venerate these icons and who, kneeling devoutly before them give homage to those they represent. Protect them from evil and instruct them with good counsel.

This I ask, through the intercessions of Thy most holy mother, the Apostle Luke and all the Saints. Amen.”

“O Divine Lord of all that exists”

An icon is meant to be primarily the work of God rather than the work of man. Before picking up a brush, the iconographer asks God to guide the process, calling on Him as “Lord of all that exists.” All that we have has been given to us by God and rightly belongs to Him. The wood, cloth, pigments, and gold are meant for God's glory. So too, any artistic skill or talent, time or energy, all find their source in him and ought to be invested, as in the Parable of the Talents, to be given back to Him with increase.

The icon begins with these raw materials, to be put together for God's glory, but long before the painting begins, the board must be prepared using a healthy portion of time and effort to produce a smooth, stable, long-lasting surface on which to produce this heavenly image.

Each board begins with 3/4” plywood. Older icons were, of course, painted on solid wood. Slats of wood were placed in the back of the icon panel across the grain to prevent the panel from warping. With the plies in plywood alternating directions, ideally warping should be kept to a minimum.

The board is sealed with two layers of acrylic gesso. After sealing the board, a piece of cloth is embedded between two wet layers of gesso. The cloth is not meant to give texture, but stabilizes the paint. Even the best prepared panel will expand with heat and humidity, shrink in the cold and in dry conditions, and will warp a little from time to time. As it does, the paint will have a tendency to crack, and so the cloth gives the paint something to adhere to that has greater flexibility than bare wood. Several more layers are applied on top until the cloth is no longer visible. This surface is then sanded smooth so that the icon board has no texture.

“Thou hast illumined the Apostle and Evangelist Luke with thy Holy Spirit, thereby enabling him to represent thy most holy Mother.”

St. Luke is said to have painted the original Hodegetria icon (She Who Shows the Way). But before this, tradition says that Christ Himself created an icon by pressing his face to a cloth. An artist was sent by King Abgar of Edessa to paint a portrait of Christ. The king suffered from leprosy and sought the portrait as a means of healing. The artist was unable to capture a good likeness of the Lord, so Jesus created one miraculously. This image was returned to the king who was healed. But even before this God created the first icon by making man in His own image. As such, man is himself a creator, and the drive to make images, far from being sinful, is in fact inherently good and to be given back to God.

But the ideal is for each icon to emulate that icon “Not Made by Hands.” My mark as an artist should be secondary to the work of God, of the Holy Spirit, as we believe was the case with that first icon by St. Luke.

This is why we adhere to ancient prototypes, setting aside our own desire to innovate. This is why we pray during the process, and this is why we don't sign our work, but rather acknowledge the Holy Spirit as the source of an icon. Primarily this adherence to an ancient prototype begins with the drawing.

Though there are many instructions on how to properly proportion a figure in an icon, iconography is on of the few forms of art where copying is encouraged. In most cases drawings are made by tracing or carefully copying an older icon. Adjustments can be made when necessary, but as the point is not to innovate, often adjustments are not necessary.

“The one who held thee in her arms and said: 'The grace of Him who was born of me is spread throughout the world.”

This prayer clearly references the Incarnation of Christ, the justification and source for this holy art. The creation of icons is a means of proclaiming visually the incarnation and making God present to the eyes. These words are given as the words the Mother of God spoke upon seeing the icon that St. Luke had painted.

Through the creation of icons, the gospel is spread, and the grace of God is communicated throughout the world to all who would look upon them and recognize the incarnate God who makes these images possible.

The rules for the icon painter demonstrate the continuing role of icons in the spreading of this grace throughout the world:

“Never forget:

The joy of spreading icons in the world.

The joy of the work of icon painting.

The joy of giving the Saint the possibility to shine through his/her icon.

The joy of being in union with the saint whose face you are painting.”

We make Christ and His Saints present to the world, not incarnate – but visible. They are often referred to as windows to Heaven. They are not themselves incarnations of those depicted, but a means of gazing into the Kingdom of God.

“Enlighten and direct my soul, my heart and my spirit.”

The icon begins , not in the mind of an iconographer, not in the imagination, but in the heart, the soul and the spirit. If our hearts are not pure, if we are unrepentant or unforgiving, if we are greedy or prideful, our work will suffer for it. When choosing a prototype, deciding on compositions and colors, we seek direction and guidance from God. If our hearts are hardened like Pharaoh, we will always choose what we want, that which is aesthetically pleasing to us, or will bring us honor and esteem from others, rather than what will give honor and esteem and glory to God and His Saints.

Like our souls, the icon is a process of enlightening or illumination. The painting of the icon begins with the application of the base colors for each of the robes and the flesh. These are the darkest colors in the icon. Unlike many other forms of art, there are no cast shadows in icons, as the light source for an icon is the light of Christ shining through the figure. The way that this is accomplished is by beginning the painting with the darkest colors and gradually illuminating the figure with successive layers of highlight. This process mirrors the gradual transformation of salvation from darkness into the light that is a life in Christ.

“Guide the hands of thine unworthy servant”

Once our spirit is set right, we seek guidance for our hands. Once again, the focus is not on imagination, creativity, or artistic tastes, as these will only lead us astray from the truth. Our hands are given to God for His purposes.

One of the most profound moments in my time as an iconographer was when a priest who has dedicated his life to serving the least among us in his ministry to homeless and runaways kissed my hand after blessing an icon I had painted for his Church. For him, it was a recognition of God's work through my hand, and yet for me it was so humbling because I feel so unworthy to be seen as the means for God's work.

Iconographers use other icons for models rather than working from real life models. Compositions are based on older prototypes rather than being drawn from imagination.

Much is made of the symbolic meaning of the colors used in icons. The colors in the icon of the Theotokos show her to be a human being showered with the grace of God, while the colors in the icons of her son show Him as the eternal God who took on flesh for our salvation. Black can signify death, hades, and the abyss; white can signify life, resurrection and purity; red can signify martyrdom and sacrifice; purple can signify wealth or royalty; gold too can signify royalty, even divinity. And yet, color does not always carry deep meaning, and it is important not to try to read into icons meanings and symbolism that are not there. An iconographer has more freedom than is sometimes assumed. And yet this freedom can be a place for the Holy Spirit to work in and through the iconographer.

In the rules for an icon painter, the fifth rule reads:

“When you have to choose a color, stretch out your hands interiorly to the Lord and ask His counsel.”

When I first took notice of this particular rule, I had been an iconographer for many years, and I was taken aback by these words. One of the most frequent compliments I received is that people like my colors. My teacher would often ask about my color combinations because he was so impressed. And yet I knew that I could not take credit for the colors used since I am red-green colorblind, and often can't even see some of what I have done.

I used to think it was my knowledge of color theory, but I couldn't tell why I tried some combinations except that God works through us, and knowing that God shows His strength in our weakness. I find it so fitting that God would guide my hand in choosing colors rather than me simply using my eyes.

“So that I may worthily and perfectly portray thine icon, that of Thy mother and all the Saints”

Perfection is seen as faithfully continuing tradition. It is in tradition that we find the truth. Perfection is also in the proper communication of the gospel message. There is a strong tie between the hymnography of the Church and the iconography of the Church. Icons teach theology visually in the same way that our hymns teach theology verbally. As such, it is important for an iconographer to know the hymns and theology of the Church.

In deciding on a prototype for an icon of a feast of the Church, the hymns for that feast will help an iconographer to determine which prototype best presents the eternal truths of the celebration.

There is remarkable continuity in how the Saints are depicted, solely because iconographers for centuries have set aside their egos, studied icons of the past, lived the liturgical life of the Church, where they are steeped in its theology, and allowed the Holy Spirit to guide them to create icons that are both relevant and contemporary, but still deeply rooted in ancient truth.

With the painting of the face, our Lord, His mother, and His Saints become even more present to our senses. The highlighting of the face is accomplished with thousands of small brush strokes. It is an intensely repetitive activity, giving great opportunity for prayer and meditation on the divine. It is especially moving as the face slowly emerges from darkness. To see the Lord and His Saints beginning to look out from the board is a great privilege and an inducement to repentance.

For this reason, many iconographers begin with the face rather than the robes. This way, the Lord and His Saints are present while the robes are being painted. I most often wait until after the robes are done to paint the faces because I would never want to accidentally mar the face through a moment of carelesness.

The rules for an icon painter tell us of the reverence we ought to have for this process:

“Work with care on every detail of your icon as if you were working in front of the Lord Himself”

and

“Pray in particular to the Saint whose face you are painting. Keep your mind from distractions, and the Saint will be close to you.”

“For the glory, joy and adornment of Thy holy Church.”

It is important that the work is done for the glory of God and His Church. Dionysius of Fourna writes:

“Furthermore, those who do this work with devotion and diligence receive grace and blessing from God; but whoever from rapaciousness and love of money undertakes this work without respect and diligence, may they reflect well and repent before their end, fearing the punishment of Judas, whom they resemble in their love of money.”

In addition each Orthodox Church is meant to be an icon of the Kingdom of Heaven, and so the arrangement of icons and their compositions also help to teach. The adornment of an Orthodox Church is an integral part of the way that Orthodox Christians give glory to God.

The use of gold leaf is a means of expressing the glory and splendor of God. It represents the uncreated light of Heaven itself. This is why the halos are created using gold leaf (23K). Gold was traditionally used both for its value, and because it can be burnished to a highly reflective surface. This then reflects light as though it was coming from within the figure itself.

The gold is adhered using a gold size which is a glue that is painted anywhere the gold will go. As with the acrylic paints I use, this gold size is a slight departure into modern materials. The materials have changed over the years from encaustic painting which uses melted wax to bind the pigments, to egg tempera which uses egg yolk instead of wax. Apart from these, icons are often made with mosaic or fresco for more monumental work. Now most iconographers in this country are using acrylic paints which bind the pigments with an acrylic polymer. Even iconographers who work in egg tempera often use acrylics for some of their work for the ease of use and quick drying and preparation times. The materials really are in service to the theology and the technique.

“Forgive my sins and the sins of those who will venerate these icons and who, kneeling devoutly before them, give homage to those they represent.”

We ask God for forgiveness of our sins that we might be in communion with God without hindrance in the creation of an icon. So too we ask God to forgive the sins of those who will venerate the icons. Icons are made to make present Christ and His Saints, and in that sense they are made to be venerated. In order to approach holiness, we must be purified of our sins. So in order for us to properly venerate and contemplate icons, we must seek forgiveness.

The veneration given to an icon passes through to the person depicted. An icon ought to resemble the person insofar as that is possible. That requires the use of prototypes. In some cases when Saints are more recent, photographs can serve as a prototype. Icons are not meant to be realistic, but rather depictions of both the physical and spiritual. So even when a photograph is used as a prototype, it will end up being stylized. The noses are made long and thin to show that the person has moved beyond this world. They smell only the incense that accompanies our prayers rather than the scents of this world. The mouth is made smaller, and is closed. The Saints refrain from idle talk and are made to sing praises to God. The eyes are usually slightly enlarged as they behold the glory and splendor of God. The ears listen only to the prayers and hymns rather than the cacophony that surrounds us. Signs of infirmity or disease are removed from the depiction of their glorified bodies. Clothing and hand gestures are all symbolic of position, role in this world, and the life they lived.

In cases when no prototype can be found for an icon of an obscure saint, these methods of stylization allow us to depict the Saint based solely on whatever information is available.

“Protect them from all evil and instruct them with good counsel.”

Icons, in that they connect us with the Kingdom of Heaven, protect us from evil. As St. Paul says in his letter to the Hebrews,

“Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which does so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.”

Icons serve as a reminder of those who have already run the race, but serve as a point of contact with them.

The lettering in the icon is an important step in the painting process. It has been said that an icon is not completed until the name has been inscribed on the icon, thus definitively linking the icon with the person it represents. The style of lettering I use borrows heavily from the Slavic tradition. Letters are made with long, thin verticals, and even thinner horizontal lines. The letters are often stacked and nested together. The lettering is as much a part of beautifying the icon as an other part of the icon.

“This I ask through the intercessions of Thy most holy mother, the Apostle Luke and all the Saints. Amen.”

Asking for the intercessions of the Mother of God, St. Luke and all the other Saints, especially those we are about to paint, it is then possible to begin God's work.

When the painting is completed, the icon is varnished to seal and protect the icon from any damage. It also enlivens the icon. As the paint dries, it becomes more of a matte finish. Varnishing it makes it look like it did when it was still wet. This is one of my favorite moments in the whole process. Having completed all this work and allowed the varnish to dry, the icon is nearly ready for use. And icons are meant to be used. The rules for an iconographer specify what is to follow:

“When your icon is finished, thank God that His mercy granted you the grace to paint the holy images.”

then:

“Have your icon blessed by putting it on the altar. Be the first to pray before it, before giving it to others.”

A Labor of Love Revisited

2009-09-26T06:39:00.002-04:00

So I've been absent from the blogging world for a while now. I have been hard at work completing commissions that I felt had to be done before I could move. I arrived in Idaho to stay for good last Thursday (I think... all these days are running together lately). It is a little after 4:30 AM here, and I just put down my brushes. The royal doors and the icon of St. John the Forerunner are done enough that I will install them tomorrow and then finish them more later (pictures to come at that point.

Tomorrow is a busy day. My family and Lisa's mother are coming over for Brunch. Then we have a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner in the afternoon because we are getting married this Sunday. I still can't quite believe this is all happening. I feel overwhelmed by the blessings in my life over the last year, and I feel so unworthy of this great a gift, and yet I don't often enough take the time to thank God for all that He has given me.

Well I am off to sleep, please pray for Lisa and I as we embark on a new chapter in both our lives, that it may be pleasing to God and for our salvation.

Christ is Ascended!

2009-05-27T11:53:00.004-04:00

So I haven't been blogging much lately... It would seem to be a fairly consistent pattern with me. The icon above is the reason for my absence. I have been working long hours to get this done in time for Ascension. It is now done, but sadly will have to wait a little while for the installation. This icon took up almost an entire wall of my living room, and required me to use a ladder to paint the parts at the top. At some point I am hoping to finish assembling a video from all the still photos I took along the way. Anyway, I'll keep this short since I still have lots to do before my trip to Idaho next week, but I just wanted to wish all a Happy Feast Day and thought that this icon would be a nice way to do that.

Icon Workshop. Boise Idaho. June 9-13, 2009

2009-05-08T15:52:00.005-04:00

I am pleased to announce that I will be teaching an icon workshop sponsored by Holy Transfiguration Antiochian Orthodox Church (Fr. Mark Fenn) in Boise Idaho. The class has been approved by and received the blessing of His Grace, Bishop JOSEPH. The class is open to all Orthodox Christians, Catechumens, and serious inquirers. We will be painting an 8" x 12" icon of the Pimen Mother of God:

If you might be interested in attending, please check out the brochure. (PDF format)

Or you can go straight to the registration form. (also PDF)

You can also pay the class fee online using google checkout here.

The class will paint this icon from start to finish, with all of the supplies included, and demonstrations of all of the steps necessary for completion of the icon. In conjunction with the class, we will be supporting the work of this mission parish, and reaching out to the community. Before the class begins, I will be installing two (maybe three) icons in the iconostasis of Holy Transfiguration Church. We will try to get press attention for this so that we can have the opportunity to speak to a larger audience, not just about iconography, but about the Orthodox Church. We will invite the public to attend a lecture at the completion of the class so that they can learn about how this sacred art reflects the theology of the Church. It is my hope that this class will be a blessing to the parish of Holy Transfiguration, and a blessing to the area as it will no doubt be a blessing for me and my fiancee.

If you are interested, please let us know. Or if you know of someone who would be interested, please forward this information, or send them here, or to my website.

A Labor of Love IV: The Paintening

2009-05-01T11:04:00.008-04:00

So I finished the icon of Christ for Holy Transfiguration Church in Boise. I took a lot of pictures along the way, and I thought that rather than posting a bunch of pictures, I would make a little video. It's a little jumpier than I would have liked, and in the future I need to take a lot more pictures along the way to make it really smooth, but I thought it might be neat anyway. Perhaps at some point I will set it to music or something. I just didn't want to wait much longer or I knew I would never end up posting it... And below is a slightly more detailed look at the finished product.

A Labor of Love Part 3: Christ is Risen!

2009-04-21T23:49:00.008-04:00

Christ is Risen!
Indeed He is Risen!

It's been a few days since an update. I have been hard at work painting even with Holy Week wrapping up and all of the festivities for Pascha. This is usually a difficult time of year for me. I am very busy with all of the services, especially since I have to chant at all of them. My duties with Parish Council have also added to the amount of work I have to do. And of course this is a busy time for commissions as well. Then this year I had an added bit of fun. On Friday about half an hour before I had to leave for Vespers, I lost my footing and almost sprained my ankle, but instead fell forward and slammed my sternum against the corner of a chair, slammed my arm against the wall, and my knee against the floor. Needless to say I was plenty sore by the time I was done with Church on Sunday afternoon. Now I am finally somewhat rested.

But despite all of that, I was very glad to have spent so much time at the Church celebrating the Passion, Death, and Resurrection of Christ. On Saturday I was so moved by the thought that by Pascha of next year I will be married and able to celebrate the Resurrection with my wife. It has been a long time since I have been able to celebrate with someone that I love. My family has all moved away and none of them really go to Church much anymore, and I have felt this loss a lot over the years. There is something very sad about feeling alone when we are created to live in community and love. So I am very thankful that God has given this to me again, even if I have to wait a little bit longer.

Most of the time I was not in Church was spent with paint brush in hand. By Friday afternoon I had the faces finished, and the icon was looking almost done. Today I finished the lettering, all the rest of the trims, borders, and pinstriping, as well as the gold. It is all but finished now.

I still have to come up with something decotative to go at the bottom, and I am contemplating a painted pattern within the halos, but otherwise that icon is done. Tonight I started a drawing for the matching icon of Christ so that I can get started on that. But I had to try to finish the icon of the Theotokos because it is the same icon that we will be painting in the class in June, and we are going to use it for advertisements and brochures.

Now that I see it done, though, I am really starting to get excited about what this will look like when I am all finished with the other icons. I will be installing at least the first two when I go for the class in June. It should be such a big change from the prints that they have now. And everyone that Lisa has shown the pictures to has been thrilled. It makes me so happy to be able to do something nice for this group of people who has welcomed me with open arms and who will be my Church community soon.

A Labor of Love Part 2: Working for the Man

2009-04-17T01:30:00.007-04:00

I love my job. I am so thankful that I am able to spend my days painting icons to proclaim the gospel, to teach the faith, and to beautify churches and homes. But sometimes I don't like my job. There is something about doing anything for a living that has a way of taking the joy out of the work. Lately I have been in a bit of a slump when it comes to painting. It is hard to motivate myself to start painting. It is hard to pinpoint why this is the case except that everything I have been painting lately has been a commission. It has been a while since I have painted something just for the joy of painting. It has been a while since I painted a subject of my own choosing based on a prototype I love, just because I feel drawn to it.

I can't express how wonderful it is to be working on this project. And that joy then carries over to my other work. Since I started working on this icon, I haven't gotten less done on my commissions, I have gotten more done. Work goes so much more quickly, so much more effortlessly when it is done joyfully. I wish I could say that each and every icon is a joy because it is the image and likeness of God in His servants that I am depicting. But sadly, I lose sight of that far to often. The daily becomes mundane, and we quickly forget. And this is the state of my spiritual life as a whole. Just when I learn a lesson, just at the point that I think I have my life on track, I depart from God with my mind, and with my heart. And it takes me some time to realize that I have strayed. And once I do realize this, it is hard to even remember which direction to move to get back. But all it really takes is to find a little time to focus on God, to rekindle that joy. As St. James says, "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."

This project is my way of drawing near to God in some small way. And with every little step, I know that God is running to greet me.

A Labor of Love, Part 1

2009-04-14T00:52:00.008-04:00

I have come to the realization that I am not the most prolific blogger. For someone with as much time as I have to sit around and think, it should be much easier for me to spend a few moments of the day writing down something that I spent hours thinking about. But the truth is that most of the time I prefer to think my thoughts and then let them go rather than saving them for posterity. After all, some of my thoughts are best left forgotten. But it seems to me a shame to have this blog and not really use it.

So this will hopefully be the beginning of a series of posts which should go on over the next few weeks and months. Lisa attends Holy Transfiguration Antiochian Orthodox Church, a small mission parish in Boise, Idaho, and while she would very much like to be married in that Church because of her close friendships with everyone there, when she visited me in Pennsylvania she remarked that she would rather get married in my church because it is so much more beautiful with all of the icons that we have. I told her that I had a solution to her dilemma which was that I could make her Church more beautiful.

In all the years that I have been working as an iconographer, I have done a lot of work in Churches, but it seems like every commission has to match the other icons in the church. I have yet to paint an entire iconostasis because I keep getting work at established parishes. I am certainly not complaining about the work that I have been given, but part of me wants to do something from start to finish. So I have an opportunity to fulfill a little bit of a dream for myself, give a wedding gift to my future bride, and give a small Mission something that they could never afford (and I get a tax deduction out of it to boot...)

So a few nights ago I began the first icon for the iconostasis. It is an icon of the Pimen Mother of God, and in the next few days I hope to draw up the icon of Christ to match it. I have decided to document the work, and use it as fuel for my blog. The added benefit of that is that the people of the Church can check in and see what is happening. In addition, there are plans underway for me to teach a class on iconography (more details in the next couple weeks hopefully) from June 9-13 in Boise, and we will be painting the same icon in the class, so this will give me images to use in advertising for the class, and hopefully I can use this blog to get better coverage and fill up that class since part of the profits from the class will be used to support this parish that will be my spiritual home in a few months time.

My Life Lately

2009-03-26T10:20:00.004-04:00

Once again, it has been a long time since I have posted anything. The truth is that while there is a lot I want to say, I have held back because most of it is about my personal life.

In late November of this past year, I received a message from an Orthodox woman named Lisa through a social networking site called Orthodox Circle. She wrote to tell me that she really likes my icons, and that we have some common tastes in music, movies, and books. She went on to tell me a little bit about herself, and asked a couple questions. Now normally I read messages from people and barely respond if at all. I might just send a little note thanking them, but rarely anything more elaborate than that. But she had taken the time to write quite a bit, and so I responded point by point to what she wrote, more out of a sense of obligation than anything else. She then responded again with more detail, more questions, and so I responded again. This continued for a while, and she would usually say something like "I am really enjoying our correspondence, and I hope it can continue." At first this was slightly frustrating. You see, I don't really like email. And our correspondence seemed more like a laundry list of information rather than a real personal exchange. And the other thing that made it difficult was that I had decided that I was not going to pursue a relationship. At 31 years old, I had concluded that God did not have a relationship in store for me, and I had decided that I would just accept that and stop letting it frustrate me. I decided this the day before the first email I received from Lisa.

As time went on, instant messaging was added to the emails, which was a little more natural, and helped me to see Lisa's personality just a little better. At one point we were talking on the catbox (or chatbox to the uninitiated) at desertcalling.com and she sent me a message telling me that I was a "kick in the pants" and that I should give her a call when she got off of work. Being shy and nervous about sounding like an idiot (I hate talking on the phone) I declined and decided that my time would be better spent working on a project I had to get done. But I continued with the emails and IMs.

In late December, Lisa put her feelings on the chopping block, and told me how much she liked me, and said that if I was interested, she would really like to expand our friendship. For me, this was a difficult decision. While I knew that I liked her, and enjoyed talking to her, I didn't really feel like I knew her well, and I was also wary of long-distance relationships (she only lives about 2000 miles away from me). Ultimately, I told Lisa that I was interested, but that I didn't know enough about her and that I had to proceed with caution. So the next time we were talking on IM, she asked me what I would like to know about her. So I started asking questions. this didn't go on very long before she asked me if I would want to talk about it on the phone rather than typing everything. So I bit the bullet and called.

I was a little worried that I would call and show myself to be an idiot. I was a little worried that she would have an annoying voice. I was worried that we would have nothing to talk about. What I found was that she has a lovely voice, and that she is so easy for me to talk to, and that she has an intoxicating laugh. And so 2 days after Christmas, I found myself starting to fall for this woman who lives almost on the other side of the continent. We spoke again on the phone on New Year's Eve, then a few days later, and we gradually started to talk for longer periods of time, and more often. It got to the point that we now talk on the phone for a couple hours a day.

Lisa had a trip to Pennsylvania planned for sometime after Christmas, and was hoping she could meet me in person during that trip. I was a little worried about meeting her, for much the same reasons that I was worried about talking to her on the phone. I agreed to meet her, but was anxious about it. As it turns out, the trip had to be rescheduled for mid-February. By about mid-January, February started to seem like a really long time to have to wait to see her.

By the end of January, I got tired of mouthing the words "I love you" at the phone after hanging up, and decided to tell Lisa how I felt about her. After a really wonderful phone call with neither of us wanting to hang up, I wrote a long email telling her how much she has meant to my life, and I told her that I didn't want another day to pass without telling her that I love her. The next day she told me how much that meant to her even though she didn't think she would be able to say those words until she met me in person. I felt a little saddened by that, but when she told me the next day that she printed out the email and carries it with her, it made me so happy to know that whether she said the words or not, I knew she loved me. It only took a few more days before she was able to say it anyway...

So the weeks leading up to February 13th were some of the longest weeks I have ever had. She only had 3 full days in Pennsylvania, but we tried to make the most of them. We were both so happy to meet in person, and were pleasantly surprised that the connection we had on the phone transferred just fine to our connection in person. On February 14th, being Valentine's Day, I had a present for Lisa. I painted her an icon of her patron saint, St. Elizabeth the New Martyr, and wrote a very long inscription on the back. She cried when I gave it to her, and then held it in her arms for most of that day. She gave me one of her favorite prayer ropes which I now take with me whereever I go. We had so much fun together that she almost missed her flight back home because we just didn't want to say good bye.

So then we waited. We continued talking on the phone daily (thank you Verizon for free calls between Verizon phones), and we continued emailing. On March 18th, I flew out to visit her for her Birthday which was on the 20th. I spent the first two days of my visit cooking food for her Birthday party to which she had invited her friends and family. It was a wonderful night for her, and for me as well. I was able to meet her dad, her aunt and uncle, her best friends, and most of the people at her church.

On Monday evening, I took Lisa to one of the nicest restaurants in town, where we had a delicious dinner. We then took a walk along the river next to the restaurant. I told her how much her love has meant to my life, how she was able to reach past all of the obstacles and barriers I had built up around my heart, and to help me to find love when I thought I never could. I then asked her to be my wife, and gave her the ring that I had bought that morning. Before I could finish asking she said yes.

I have never been happier in my life than I have been the past few months. She is sweeter to me than anyone I have ever known, and I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I know that God worked wonders to bring her into my life, and I am thankful for every moment with her. There are still many things to be worked out, not the least of which is the fact that we live in different states, but we are working toward a future life together, and we are both grateful to have found each other. Please pray for us as we work out the details necessary to make this possible.

Having eyes, see ye not?

2009-02-12T01:39:00.003-05:00

Mark 8:18

When I was about 12 years old, I went to the eye doctor for the first time. I had been having trouble seeing the blackboard at school, and so I was past due for a pair of glasses. As part of my eye exam, I was shown a set of plates like the one above, and asked if I could see a number in each plate. Naturally I thought the doctor was crazy. Why would he show me a plate with no number in it and expect me to see a number? Of course my diagnosis of crazy doctor turned out to be wrong, and I was told that I was colorblind. Apparently the number 6 is in the graphic above, but I can't see it for the life of me.

At the time I was getting into painting a little, having watched just a bit too much Bob Ross on PBS. Knowing that I was colorblind meant that I had to find a spotter to help with my paintings. I needed someone to tell me if I was using the right color for things. So I turned to my little brother who was also my best friend at the time, and I would seek his advice. I would later discover that he was colorblind as well, and it would seem that he is even more colorblind than me. So I gave up asking his advice.

A couple years later I started studying iconography. There were a few missteps early on. When I first mixed Sankir, which is the base color for the face, I was a little heavy-handed with the green, and after hours of painting, I showed the icon to my dad, and he asked me if it was supposed to be Kermit the Frog or the Incredible Hulk.

It's been years now since I have heard a comment like this, and more often than not it seems like I hear people compliment me on the colors in my icons. I have to laugh a little because half the time I can't even see what it is that I've done. In times past I refused to tell people about my colorblindness for fear that no one would want to order icons from someone who couldn't see the colors he was using. But in recent years I have started to tell people about it.

Of course everyone likes to quiz me on what color shirt they are wearing, but once that novelty wears off, everyone wants to know how I do what I do without being able to see what I do. So I thought I would share a little of that. The first thing to remember is that tubes of paint have labels. This is very helpful to me. I have also spent a fair amount of time studying color theory. I not only know what happens when you mix yellow and blue (thank you ziplock), I also know what happens when you mix yellow and orange (a trade secret I am not willing to share). I can't necessarily see what happens when two colors are mixed, but I know what is happening. I know a lot about which colors are strong colors and which ones are weak colors so I can gauge proportions when mixing colors. I have also come to depend on technology to a certain extent. I will sometimes use the color picking tool in photoshop to see what color something is. Once I have done that I can try to replicate the formula using what I know of theory. But more often than not, I just paint. I don't think a whole lot about what color something is unless there is some particular significance to the color that is being used.

In the rules for an iconographer that I was given, there is a rule that states "When you have to choose a color, reach out to the Lord inwardly and ask His counsel." While I can't say that I always do this consciously, I don't think a lot about what I think would look nice. I prefer instead to pick a color without thinking about my preferences. An iconographer is supposed to be guided by the Holy Spirit. I have a hard time saying that my work is the work of the Holy Spirit given my struggles to remain prayerful and attentive, but I also know that there is nothing that I can do personally to insure that my colors will appeal to anyone. All the theory and practical considerations aside, there are so many times where I just can't see what I have done. I can't tell you how many times I have been asked what colors I used on something, and if I can't remember I usually can't even make an educated guess. So I am left thinking that the Holy Spirit must be doing something through my hand. And my prayer is that as I continue in this work, my influence will diminish and the influence of the Holy Spirit will increase.

For the arms of the wicked shall be broken

2009-01-24T13:07:00.002-05:00

Psalm 37:17

As I mentioned in the last post, I told the Parish Council at my church an abbreviated story of how I returned to the church after a prolonged absence. I mentioned that I had written about this on my blog, and I was asked for a link to the story, but when I looked I realized that while I had talked a lot about my stay in the hospital in a previous post, I had not gone into details about what got me to that place in my life, or how it has impacted me since then, so I will try to go into more detail here now.

I've been Orthodox since infancy, and while most of that time I have attempted to be pious and good, I never really realized that I needed the medicine that the Church provides during most of the first three decades of my life. Piety and goodness seemed like enough. So I served as an altar boy, I sang with the chanters, I went to Sunday School, I crossed myself when I was supposed to, I learned to paint icons, and in all honesty, I enjoyed the Church, I just didn't feel like I needed it. And in reality, I have not been as good or pious as I appeared to other people, but I was good at hiding behind a facade that I created, and I didn't feel deceitful because I did like Church.

Because the Church was just a hobby for me, it was easy to drift away for a time, and to come back when I felt like it. In 2003, I worked on a very big commission that had to be done in a very short amount of time, and I found myself with a lot of money all at once. I took some of that money and I got myself a house about 35 minutes from where I had been going to Church. The house was a fixer-upper that I got for a good price. Since my neighbor was a friend of mine and a contractor, he did a lot of work on the house. He could only work on weekends because of his schedule, and so I didn't go to Church so that I could stay and supervise and help out. It was not something that I felt particularly guilty about because it seemed like it was an honorable and temporary reason to miss Church.

This went on for maybe a couple months. When the work stopped on the house, I had a new reason not to go to Church. I've always been a night owl, and the thought of getting up early in the morning to go to Church was in no way appealing to me, and now that I lived even farther away from Church it was much easier to just stay in bed and sleep in. Sure there was another Church five minutes away that I could have gone to, but I didn't really know those people, and I'd still have to get up early. So I gave in to my laziness and stayed home.

I stopped praying. After all, what is the point of praying when you aren't a churchgoer? Fasting seemed pointless as well. Even taking a minute to think about God would just make me feel guilty, so it was best to just shut that out of my mind. Truth be told, the one thing I didn't stop doing, which I should have, is painting icons. It was my sole source of income, and so I set about the technical act of painting while my soul was far removed from it. I have heard it said that the act of painting an icon is in itself a prayer, but if this is true, I tried very hard to not hear my own prayer. I am ashamed at what I replaced God and His Church with in order to fill my free time.

It is no wonder to me now that God's blessings seemed so far removed from my life during this time as I had run as far away as I could from Him. I ran out of commissions and had to struggle to find new ones, I ran out of money, and accumulated debt, when my car died I had no way to fix it or replace it, so I only left the house to walk to the store or when someone could pick me up. I felt depressed and alone, but I still didn't want to return to God because I thought I could still fix my situation if I could just think of how...

Then one day, I broke my arm. It was a particularly nasty break, and it required three days in the hospital. I spent most of that first night in tears reflecting on my life. A few years earlier I had felt like I had everything, and suddenly I realized that I had nothing. I had squandered everything. I never felt more alone than I did that night. I had not been to Church in years, I hadn't been to confession, and I was worried about going into surgery with my soul in the condition it was in. I felt like the Prodigal Son eating the food meant for pigs, covered in filth, alone, worried that I couldn't even go back home. I made up my mind that, like the Prodigal, I would return to my Father and say "I am no longer worthy to be called your son, but make me as one of your hired servants."

It took me several months before I got back to Church. I wish I could say that I was a transformed person that night on the spot. But this was the beginning. I was headed back along the road to my Father. During my journey back, I was checking the statistics for my website, and I saw that someone had linked an image from my website to a message board called Christian Forums. I followed the link and found that there was an Orthodox section on that forum. I spent a great deal of time reading things there, and learning things about my own faith I did not know. It helped to pull me along the road back to the Church even when I was tired and didn't want to keep walking. At Pascha of that year, I sat and watched a video of the Paschal Divine Liturgy that someone had linked, and cried that I could not be there.

It was not much later that I finally got a car again. The first opportunity I had I went back to Church, and I have been there as often as I could ever since. As if to welcome me back, I finally found my baptismal cross that had been missing for months if not more than a year the very day that I returned to Church for the first time.

Not long after returning to Church I was asked to start singing with the chanters again. I happily agreed because it is such a joy to me to sing in Church. A little while later I was asked to teach Sunday School. I was much more apprehensive about this since I didn't feel like I related well to 9th graders when I was in 9th grade, but they told me someone else would help me, and so I agreed, remembering my promise to be a servant. Last year I was asked to serve on Parish Council. This really frightened me because I had heard horror stories from my Dad over the years, but it was important to me to do what I was asked to do. I was nominated this year for Parish Council Chairman, and wanted so badly not to do the job that was set in front of me, but I know too well the many blessings God has given me, and so I accepted.

I am not a very good servant, and I don't know that I ever will be. But God accepted me back after I denied Him and sought to live my life without Him, and how can I ever repay Him for that? And He continues to bless me far more than I could ever deserve in this life. For every half-hearted attempt to serve Him and to serve others I have received more in return than I could have imagined.

2009-01-20T22:31:00.003-05:00

Last night was the first meeting of the Executive Board of my church's Parish Council. As the new chairman of the council, it was the first of these meetings that I have attended. At the conclusion of the business portion of the meeting, I started to tell them about some things that are going on in my personal life lately. It was so nice to spend just a few minutes of time talking about who I am as a person, what is going on in my life, what my hopes and dreams and aspirations are. Since then, I have given a lot of thought to what it means to share these things with people at Church. And the conclusion that I have reached is that not sharing is a monstrous distortion of what it means to be a Christian.

We are created in the image and likeness of God. And specifically, in the image and the likeness of the Holy Trinity. Just as Father, Son and Holy Spirit are distinct Persons, they are in perfect union with each other. To be truly human is to be in union with other humans and with our Creator. Furthermore, we believe in a God who became a man, sharing in our humanity so that we could share in His Divinity. We also believe that the Church is the Body of Christ, that our salvation lies in our being one with each other with Christ as the head of the Church. To choose to exist as isolated individuals is truly to deny all of these things in practice regardless of whether we agree to them in theory. This isolation, it seems to me, is the very essence of sin. If we truly practiced unity with one another, we could not lie about our neighbor, steal from them, murder them, use them for our own gain, or abuse them.

So tonight at the first meeting of the full Parish Council, I shared the abridged version of how God used financial ruin, and a stay in the hospital to bring me back home to the Church, and how I vowed to return to the Church as a servant which is why I agreed to be on Council and why I agreed to run for Chairman despite my fears and trepidation. And once again, I saw how this little bit of sharing is what begins to tie us together as Christians.

For a while now, I have been sharing things through this blog, and on various other sites I am on, but there is something very different about sharing things in person. What I write here may be read by many people, or no one at all. People may be brought to tears by what I write, or they may roll their eyes. This is not a personal medium, even though there are people writing and people reading. There appears to be a connection between writer and reader, but in most cases this is little more than an illusion. I don't know most of the people that will read this, and so while it might make me feel good to write things down, and it might help someone to read it, we still are not united together in a substantive way.

I have been doing much more sharing in person lately. I have shared my joy, my sorrows, my struggles against temptation, my sins and my faults with people, and in return I have received love, forgiveness, acceptance, encouragement, and consolation. The truth is that if we are even a little bit serious about being a Christian, we have this desire within us to share, and to have others share with us. It is imprinted in us as beings in the image and likeness of God. We have just forgotten how because we live in a fallen world that encourages us to stay separate from each other.

We may start by sharing bits of information about ourselves, but over time we begin to actually share our whole self. And I am finding that the more I do this, the more blessings I have to be thankful for, and I spend more time sharing myself with God.

Putting My House in Order

2009-01-13T02:44:00.008-05:00

This past week, Fr. John came over for my annual house blessing. The act of sanctifying the space in which I live nearly all of my life and dedicating it for God's work is a profound and wonderful act, and yet I dread it every year because it means that I feel like I have to clean my house.

I have not posted a blog entry in just over a month now. This blog was intended as a way for me to take some of what is in my head and expose it to the light of day, to share with others my struggles, my triumphs, my joys and my sorrows. I wanted it to be a means for me to spend more time outside my thoughts and to let others in. But in order to do so, I feel like I have some cleaning and rearranging to do. It turns out that this is harder for me to do than I had expected.

For the better part of my 32 years on this earth, the part that I can remember at least, My life has been lived inside my head. I let very few people in to look around, and I spend very little time outside of it. I keep people at arms length because it is easier than trying to fix what I don't like about myself, and easier than taking the time to clean up and set my life in order. The one thing that never occurred to me in all this time is that there are actually people that might want into my head even though the place is a mess.

The real reason I have not posted anything in a month is that I have been busy doing a little cleaning in my head and in my heart to welcome an amazing new friend in. And like any good cleaning, it kicks up a lot of dust, displaces a lot of things temporarily, and occasionally looks like more of a mess than before I started cleaning. My head has been more of a mess than usual, making it hard to write about my thoughts in a public forum, but it has been a mess in a way that hopefully will make it a more inviting place to be on a regular basis.

Just like my priest doesn't ask if my house will be clean before he schedules a house blessing, this person didn't ask me to clean house, but I feel compelled to put my house in order before I invite someone else in. I find my head a more peaceful place to be now that I have done some cleaning. I like opening the doors and letting the sunshine in. I like bringing this visitor in to have a look around. I like being able to share my life with another person who for some reason doesn't seem to mind that I haven't finished cleaning yet and probably never will. And when the dust settles, I am hopeful that I will start spending more time outside my mind, and be more willing to let others inside.

In God We Trust?

2008-12-12T15:06:00.003-05:00

I got an email last night from a person at my Church suggesting that I go to some website and vote in a poll on whether "In God We Trust" should stay on our money. Presumably, the proper vote for an Orthodox Christian should be in favor of keeping that slogan. But the more I think about it, I don't understand why it is on our money.

My objection is not with the word "God" but with the implication that somehow we trust Him. Simply put, as a nation, we don't trust God. And our money is as good an example of this lack of trust as anything. We aren't happy just to be provided for, we look to "Get Rich Quick" schemes to make more, or we say to ourselves, "When I win the lottery...." Then when we get a little bit of money, we want to make that money work for us. So we invest it, we set some of it aside for our retirement, for a rainy day, for a nest egg. Then when we have some investment that is paying off, we defend that investment so that it keeps making money for us. We buy things on credit because we don't have enough money for what we want, but we are certain that we can make more later. We don't trust in God, we trust in money. There is no problem that can't be solved with just a little bit more money, right?

God asks us to rely on him. "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." Christ tells a parable of a man who has a very good harvest, and so he stockpiles it so that he can relax and enjoy himself and eat, drink, and be merry. That night he hears the words that all of us will hear one day, "This night your soul is required of you." We can choose to trust God, or we can choose to trust in money, but in the end, we will have what we chose. We will either have a relationship with God that extends into eternity, or we will have stuff that we can't take with us.

Our Christian struggle in this world is not to keep God in everyone's faces, but to keep God in our hearts. If we live a life of trust in God, others will see our example, and will flock to God in response. If, however, we push for our money to proclaim God and then deny God with our actions, we will be seen as hypocrites who want to force arbitrary beliefs on everyone else. I am not advocating for the removal of God from the public square, and I don't mind if our money keeps this slogan. I just hope that we can learn to live as people that trust in God, and not just fight about our right to say that we do.

Lessons from History

2008-11-28T13:10:00.003-05:00

I am not a historian by training, so please forgive me for any errors in what I say, and feel free to correct me.

It was the day after the fourth Thursday in the month of November 1AD (or was it 0AD? Also you might want to make that 12 days before the fourth Thursday of the month of November 1AD if you are on the Old Calendar). A group of magi(not the ones from the Gospel, mind you), having eaten too much turkey the night before, embarked on a great quest. You see, they had been doing a little astronomical (not astrological because as Virgos, they were skeptical of the whole astrology thing), and they noticed that God would be born of a virgin in the city of Bethlehem in just a few weeks. This left them with precious little shopping days until Christmas. Now if they had taken their heads out of their science books, they might have noticed all the Christmas Trees, wreaths, and garlands hanging all around the local bazaar, or heard the incessant beat of the little drummer boy and the relentlessly upbeat sounds of Frosty the Snowman and gotten shopping weeks earlier.

But as it turns out, they were lucky not to have started shopping earlier, because this Friday morning in November just after the turn of the century, there were deals to be had in abundance. So they made up a little shopping list for the celebration of the birth of God incarnate. Obviously, they would need to purchase some Gold as it is the safest investment in troubled economic times, and since Herod was not very good with fiscal policy (after all, even the hotel industry was in the crapper) it was important to start of the Christ with a sound investment portfolio based on a stable commodity. For a second gift, these wise men settled on frankincense. Of course none of them knew what frankincense was, but advertisements for it were all over the bazaars, had been branded on the side of horses and camels for months, and the news reports all said that it would be the most coveted gift of the holiday season. For their third gift, these kings (they weren't really kings, but they felt pretty proud of themselves for having picked out some rockin' presents for Jesus, and thought of themselves as real kings among men) chose a nice jar of Myrrh. Again, they weren't entirely sure about Myrrh, but it was on sale for 50% off, and came with 32 GB of storage, upgradeable to 64GB, so it seemed like a good deal. As a stocking stuffer, they chose a Spongebob Squarepants yoyo and some Hershey's Kisses.

So they headed down to the bazaarmart frightfully early in the morning. They were still dressed in their pajamas with a cup of starbucks (yes, they had starbucks even back then, and it was the favorite brand of astronomers) keeping their hands warm and their minds alert. Naturally there was a very long line to get into the bazaarmart, though none of them knew anything about the miraculous birth in Bethlehem. The people were getting anxious waiting for the tents to open up for business, and when they finally did, there was such a rush to begin shopping that several people were trampled, and scuffles broke out throught the bazaarmart, resulting in the injury of hundreds of people, and the death of at least one person. But these were harder times, and nobody expected otherwise.

The gold, as it turns out was not on sale. What had been advertised was actually a gold plated nugget of plastic, and to get the real gold, they had to shell out substantially more than they had planned. The frankincense was in short supply, and one of the magi had to break a woman's nose to get her to let go of it. The Myrrh was the best deal, but you had to subscribe to Myrrhbearer's Magazine to get the sale price. And don't get me started on how much that subscription costs once the trial period ends. Sadly, the magi responsible for procuring the Spongebob yoyo and the Hershey's Kisses was never seen or heard from again. But these are the risks one takes.

In all, the Magi saved a total of $300 on their shopping trip, although they put the purchases on a credit card and ended up paying more than that in interest by the time it was paid off.

With gifts in hand, the Magi set out for Bethlehem. As they drew near to the cave where the star was leading them, they noticed a group of shepherds(not the shepherds from the Gospel, mind you) hanging out having an office Christmas party. They had all had a little too much to drink, and when they saw the Magi approaching, they taunted them for having only gotten the 32GB jar of Myrrh, and pointed out that perhaps clothes would be better for a baby that was soon to be out of swaddling. The Magi thought that the shepherds were pretty rude, but they recognized that heavy drinking and rude jokes were such a big part of how we celebrate Christmas, and so they cut them a break.

Pulling up to the manger, they dismounted from their shiny new camels(and yes, new camels are shiny, plus they have that really great new camel smell) that they had recently acquired because they were on sale for the close of the model year (and with financing so low, why would you want to keep riding that old worn down camel?). They presented these gifts to the newborn baby.

And the God who took flesh, thus sanctifying all flesh, who would teach us to love one another, who would die on the cross, and would trample down death, who ascended to heaven taking our human nature with us, was the first and last child to ever be completely satisfied with the Christmas gifts that he got. He was the first and last child to not ask if they still had the receipts so that he could return them and get what He really wanted. He was the first and last child to not sulk and pout because he really wanted something else.

Spiritual Hibernation

2008-11-25T19:19:00.003-05:00

"My soul, my soul, arise! Why are you sleeping? The end is drawing near, and you will be confounded. Awake, then and be watchful, that Christ our God may spare you, Who is everywhere present and fills all things." Kontakion from the Great Penitential Canon of St. Andrew of Crete

St. Andrew, who really should be the Patron Saint of people who talk to themselves (like me), gives us these words with which to wake ourselves up the first week of Great Lent, and then again toward the end of Lent. These words have been in my mind for several days now. I seem to be in a spiritual stupor for the last few weeks, and I only wake up from this for small moments in time, and then my soul goes back to its slumber.

So why is my soul sleeping? It seems I am always fighting this battle this time of year. The days get shorter, it gets cold, and I usually have more work than I have time for. And in the midst of this, the Church prescribes a fast for the Nativity of Christ. Great Lent is so much easier for me than the Nativity Fast for a number of reasons. The first is that Thanksgiving is during the Nativity Fast. My birthday is also during the Nativity fast. I usually end up breaking the fast at least a couple times just because of celebrations. The other problem is that there are not nearly as many Church services during the Nativity Fast as there are during Great Lent. The first week of Lent, there is a service every night. This time of year, I feel cold, and tired, and it feels like I am being asked to practice asceticism without a safety net. So I plod along through the Fast in the hopes that it will pass by quickly and I can get on to other things.

I often wish that I could just hibernate through the winter and wake up when the weather gets warm again and the sun comes out. I figure if my soul is gonna take a nap, my body might as well get a nice long sleep as well. But since that is not plausible, I need to pray for my soul to awaken. I need to struggle to make this a period of preparation, because the end is near at hand for all of us, and I should not be wasting my time in sleep anyway.

A Pet Peeve

2008-11-24T19:40:00.000-05:00

I've grown accustomed over the past few years to hear people opine on various issues in the Orthodox Church, and heard just about every opinion I'm likely to hear. There are a number of issues that seem to come up time and again. I can't tell you how many appeals I have heard from people who want to tear the pews out of their churches because the proper way to worship God is standing up, not relaxing in a pew. The same tactic is suggested for the few churches that have organs. "The human voice is the greatest instrument because it was made by God, and we ought to worship with our voice, not with organs." Or there is the frequent refrain, "Orthodox Christians are not supposed to pray with heretics." So naturally, everything from a prayer before a meal with your Protestant family to the Patriarch of Constantinople saying a prayer with the pope must be wrong. "Orthodox Priests shouldn't dress in Catholic style Clerical clothes, they ought to dress in a cassock."

Now I won't pretend like there aren't good reasons why these rules or traditions exist, but what I find truly astonishing is that when I say that God the Father ought not to be depicted, I will inevitably hear one of these same people say "But I grew up with them in my church, and I like them, and aren't there miracle working icons that have God the Father on them?"

The basis for all iconography is the Incarnation of Christ. In spite of the protestations of iconoclasts, we still adhere to the Second Commandment, and we are not permitted to depict what has not been seen. We can only depict Christ because He became a man, He took on flesh, and He became depictable. To depict God the Father is to undermine the very foundation of iconography. The Orthodox Church puts so much emphasis on preserving proper theological teaching, and yet when it comes to the visual proclamation of the gospel, we have often have such a cavalier attitude.

I rarely see this anywhere else in Orthodoxy, and it seems to me to be completely backwards. I would rather sit in a pew looking at an icon that properly expresses that only the Son of God became incarnate than stand in the presence of an icon that makes a subtle statement that perhaps God the Father did as well. I would rather sing along with an organ(and I really don't like organs in church) in a church where the invisible God is invisible and the Incarnate God is depicted than sing A Capella in a church where both are depicted. Even issues of who we ought or ought not to pray with pale by comparison with what we pray. We try to keep our ears safe from hearing heresy, why do we not want the same for our eyes? We care more about a priest in the wrong clothes offending our eyes than a false image offending our eyes.

And believe it or not, my position is not as harsh as what people suggest for pews. I don't advocate that we tear all these images out immediately. What I advocate is that we listen to what the church in council has suggested, which is that when they are replaced they should be replaced with something proper, and that no new ones should be made. But in order for this to happen, we need to be aware that these images are not correct, which requires someone to say that they aren't correct. Or maybe we can make a deal, I'll get rid of the pew that I like to sit in from time to time, and you get rid of that picture of Christ on an old man's lap with a bird that you like to look at. Deal?

I'm not used to public squeaking, I pispronunciate a lot of my worms

2008-11-07T15:33:00.000-05:00

I have been asked to give a talk to a group of artists about iconography. I decided that if I was going to take the time to prepare something, I might as well add it to my blog, so here goes. If anyone has any comments that could help me improve on this, I would be very happy to hear them. I don't know much about the religious background of anyone in the audience, so I have tried not to get really deep into theology, but I can't avoid the issue altogether or none of it will make sense, and I will have missed an opportunity to proclaim the truth. I have tried to address as many subjects as I think might be of interest to a diverse group of people.

The purpose of iconography is not to beautify Churches or homes. Icons are not meant to express the creativity of an iconographer. They are meant to glorify God, and to be a proclamation of the Gospel. This is not to say that icons can't be beautiful, or that creativity is forbidden, but rather that these are secondary to their purpose, and their intended role.

Iconography finds its basis in the Incarnation of Christ. God could not be depicted in the Old Testament because He had not been seen. Now that God has become Man, and has been seen in the flesh conversing with men, it becomes possible to depict God. However, the ability to depict God becomes an imperative as a part of the Gospel. Each icon is a proclamation that God became man, died, rose from the dead, ascended into heaven (taking our human nature with Him) and sent the Holy Spirit, and that God lives in us.

This is such an important message, and as such it must be protected from distortion. Just as the Scriptures are carefully copied, and translated into different languages, this visual preaching of the gospel must be carefully copied and translated into different languages. With rare exception, each icon is based on an older prototype. By adhering to these prototypes an iconographer ensures that they are preserving proper teaching. It is important for an iconographer to have enough humility to set aside their urge to innovate, to create from their own imagination. And yet it is inevitable that each iconographer will have their own style. This is how icons are translated for new cultures. One sees a difference between Byzantine icons and Russian icons that reflect differences in their culture. These differences are not the result of conscious effort, but rather filter into the style slowly and subtly. We believe that the Holy Spirit guides the hand of the iconographer to make each icon more than a mere copy, but a fresh translation of tradition for the modern age. True success as an iconographer requires this reliance on the Holy Spirit and on what has been handed down to us. For this reason, if an iconographer signs his/her work, it is to be signed "by the hand of..."

Icons can be made in a variety of different materials. Mosaics are commonly used from the earliest times up to this day for icons. The earliest icons were made in encaustic, a technique of painting with pigments in melted wax. This process has been lost to time. Later icons were painted with egg tempera which mixes pigment with egg yolk as a binder. Larger, monumental icons were most often done in fresco which is painted into wet plaster. Today, many iconographers are painting with acrylic paints. It is a faster, easier process and can be used for both small and monumental icons.

An icon begins with the application of the darkest colors. Layer upon layer of highlights are added to that base. This technique mirrors the way that we are brought from darkness into light in Christ. The highlights are added without reference to an external light source. Because we believe in a God who dwells in us rather than being external to us, each figure is illuminated from within. Each figure is transfigured as Christ was transfigured on Mount Tabor.

The halo is just another sign of this illumination and transfiguration. Gold was chosen for it's reflective properties, and reflects back the light that hits the panel as light from within the figure itself. The facial features of an icon are stylized and transformed to represent a spiritual reality. The Orthodox teaching is that the entire physical world around us is transfigured by God entering His creation. As a result, mountains, trees, and all background elements are transformed from what we normally see to a spiritualized form.

Buildings and architectural elements are presented in reverse perspective where the focal point is moved from within the panel itself to within the viewer. By this we are assured that the person depicted is indeed watching over us. Icons are not something to be looked at, but are a meeting point where the Kingdom of Heaven is the reality, and our world an abstraction.

Marketing icons has proven to be more challenging than I had anticipated. A big part of marketing is in selling yourself in order to sell your product. I should say that I am not a natural salesman by any means, but even if I was, this method of marketing stands at odds with what icons are supposed to be about. With icons, people are not looking for something that is mass produced, but rather is prayed over, and is the work of the Holy Spirit. For the Holy Spirit to work through you, you must empty yourself in humility. If people do not see this in you, it is much more difficult to find work. One can pretend to be humble, and I think we all do that from time to time, but most of us are pretty transparent when we do so. It is hard to try to make yourself the center of attention and appear humble at the same time. For years I struggled with this. I would take an icon to church to have it blessed, but wouldn't want to show it to people because I didn't want to appear prideful. Of course, this in and of itself is a form of pride. I wanted to preserve the image of being a humble person, so I acted a certain way so people might think better of me. What I have found most useful in marketing icons, is in making myself and my work available to people. I try to remember that my real work is in being a servant to others. If someone wants me to speak about icons, I do so. If someone wants to use an icon for their website or business, I only ask that they let people know how to contact me. I have recently started making icon cards and books available (always with my website listed), and I try to sell them for as little as possible so that people are more likely to share them. I have seen a shift in myself from selling an image of myself to customers, to sharing my icons with as many people as possible. In doing so, I have seen my business grow in ways I didn't really expect.

I an hesitant to use the word art to describe icons because of the connotations that the word has taken on. Icons arise not out of a desire to express oneself, but out of an imperative to proclaim the Gospel. They are only innovative within a boundary, and copy rather than create. Icons are not meant to draw attention to the artist, but to deflect attention from this world to the world beyond. It is my belief that this is precisely why God has given us artistic skill. As beings made in the image and likeness of God, we also are creators. But our creation is meant to be a reflection of God, not a reflection of ourselves. The highest use of our artistic skill is in giving back to God through our work, and to allow God to work through our hands so that others may come to know Him.

See how they love one another?

2008-11-05T23:15:00.000-05:00

Four years ago, I followed the Presidential election very closely. In my eagerness to vote, I paid attention to every little bit of news that came along. Polls, sound bytes, and political analysis filled my days.

This year, I have tried to stay away from politics as much as possible. I don't have TV, and have a short attention span for reading things on the internet, and so I kept clear of all but the broad strokes of what was going on. And yet, I knew enough to make my decision on who to vote for.

For the last few months, I have seen otherwise wonderful people turn on each other over this election. I have seen outrageous claims, not just about the candidates, but about those who would vote for one or the other candidate. I have seen a peaceful forum degenerate into bickering. I have seen back-stabbing, snide comments, and idle talk come about as a result of people's obsession with what has become our national sport. And I guess I foolishly thought that this would subside once the election passed. And yet, if anything it has intensified.

Now I won't pretend that the issues at stake are not important. I won't make that it makes no difference who is in office, but what I would suggest is that politics as it stands today stands at odds with Christianity. Despite attempts on the part of some people to associate one party with Christianity, the truth is that both parties are good on some issues and bad on others. Both parties make promises that they don't keep. But more than anything, both parties seek power, influence, and control, none of which are Christian ideals. Whether one party or the other is more closely aligned with Christianity is beside the point. It is beside the point because it sets at odds one Christian with another. I make my decision on who to vote for with my conscience, as do the people that vote for the other guy. As Orthodox Christians, we share the same beliefs on everything. I find it hard to believe that Orthodox Democrats believe that abortion or homosexuality are acceptable. I find it hard to believe that Orthodox Republicans don't care about the poor or the sick. I don't think that Orthodox Democrats are Socialists, and I don't believe that Orthodox Republicans are warmongers. I believe that we fundamentally agree, and the system sets us at odds with one another on how to achieve what we want.

We are not meant to create a perfect world through politics. Democracy holds out the hope that we can vote our way to utopia. This will never happen. As Christians, we are not called to create a perfect world, but to be perfected in a fallen world. The election of Barack Obama will change the world, there is little doubt about that. Whether it will be a better world or a worse world does not change our role in that world. We are still called to deny ourselves, pick up our cross and follow Christ. Had John McCain been elected, our call would be the same. I have heard a lot of speculation about how Christians will be persecuted, but Christ told us that we should always expect to be persecuted as He was, and indeed to rejoice in it. Frankly, it disappoints me to hear Christians lamenting their lot in life, as though it is not an honor to suffer with Christ.

We can affect the world through our actions, and indeed, we should vote as we see fit in order to affect this change. But we should never lose sight of the fact that we will never create a utopian society, we will never be loved and adored by the rest of the world, but what is within our grasp is to love one another as Christ commanded us. We must never forget that anything that sets our hearts against our brothers and sisters is not from God. We must keep a proper perspective, and to be charitable with one another even when we disagree about the workings of our government. In the words of the Liturgy, "let us love one another, that with one accord we may confess: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! The Trinity, one in essence, and undivided." We can't risk getting too wrapped up in the things of this world and forgetting about our unity as believers.

Please forgive me if at any time I have forgotten this in my zeal.

Reflections on Becoming a Cyborg

2008-10-15T15:07:00.000-04:00

October 15th 2005 is just one of those days in my personal memory that doesn't fade from my memory. I spent the morning finishing off my taxes(I usually file for an extension for reasons that I won't go into here). I had planned to have a little Oktoberfest celebration with my friends that evening.

After the taxes had been mailed, and before starting to cook dinner, one of my friends and I took a bike ride down to the park near my house, played a little hackeysack and talked about everything and nothing in particular. As we rode back up to the house, my friend did one of those wheelies where you ride the wheelie for a while. I remarked that I didn't think that I could do one of those, and then I proceeded to find out that indeed I cannot. I hit the ground hard. As soon as I tried to stand up, it was obvious that my arm was broken. Somehow I had acquired an extra elbow in that arm, and as I picked my arm up off the ground, I made a normal fracture into a compound fracture. This was not a good turn of events.

You see, the cost of health care increases every year, and as such, health insurance companies raise premiums, at which time they inform you that you could save money by choosing a higher deductible. Well I hadn't been seriously sick or injured in years, so I figured it couldn't hurt to have a $2000 deductible. I made this decision within about a month of this accident. So in addition to pain and discomfort, I got to thinking about how I would pay for a hospital stay.

We walked back to my house. My friend found my wallet with my insurance card. We tried unsuccessfully to wrap my arm in a clean towel and then abandoned the idea because it was hurting to much to continue. We got in his car and headed to the hospital 25 minutes away. I asked him to call my mother who lives in the same town as the hospital, figuring she might want to know about this.

At this point I feel compelled to point out that paperwork is not fun when you are injured, and consequently the registration process was brutal. When I finally got a bed, I had to wait around forever before anyone even cleaned my open wound. In the Radiology room, I actually heard one nurse whisper to the other, "did you see that?" to which the other one responded "yeah, it's awful." While still waiting to have my wound cleaned and a splint applied to my arm, I got asked to sign a form. My left arm could not support itself, so my right arm was busy holding it, and couldn't be used for signing anything. So my poor mother had to hold my broken arm while I signed. I could tell from her expression how difficult it was for her to see her son broken like that.

The treatment for my arm required a couple metal plates, twelve screws, some ground up cadaver bone mixed with some sort of growth medium(I had never heard of this before), and because I had been smoking for the last 5 years or so, I needed to use a bone stimulator(which uses electromagnetic pulses to simulate the signals that broken bones send out, causing the body to work harder to fix the broken bone).

I digress again. Most people who make it to the age of 19 without smoking, don't start smoking. I started at 23. It was really stupid, and I regretted having started, but continued to smoke anyway. I quit after my grandmother died, but started again a couple months later. So at this point, I was still smoking. I learned that smoking decreases bone density, and can prevent proper healing of broken bones, so when the doctor told me to cut back, I quit.

I was admitted to the hospital. I had to wait until the following morning for surgery because they had to wait for the metal plates to arrive. That night was a long, horrible night. Once visiting hours were over and everyone went home, I sat there with just my thoughts. I was worried about surgery the next day, worried about how I was going to pay for my hospital stay, worried about how I was going to manage to keep working with one arm, with doctor's appointments and with physical therapy. I felt like my life was collapsing around me. It had been a couple years since I had been to Church on a regular basis (another long story best saved for later), and even though I was sure that my surgery was pretty routine, I really didn't want to go under anesthetic in my spiritual state. So for most of the night, I alternated between crying and praying, with as much sleep as the morphine would allow.

The next day I had my surgery. I remember being wheeled into the hallway near the Operating Room, I remember getting a shot of something, I remember being scared senseless, and I remember my Mom praying for me, and then I remember waking up. I was in a strange room, it hurt to breathe (no doubt because of the cigarettes), and there was an invisible thing squeezing my arm really hard (which I later figured out was an automatic blood pressure cuff). The next couple days are pretty hazy except for a few moments here and there. I had a roommate who had been thrown from a horse who spent most of his waking hours screaming or watching hunting shows on TV (which are horrible when you are in and out of consciousness). My priest came to visit me, and we had a good talk. My Mom visited as often as she could. My friend visited. I got calls from most of my family. Anyway, on the third day, I got released from the hospital.

For the next week, I stayed at my Mom's house, because nearly everything was more difficult to do with one arm (and on painkillers). I had to learn to rely on other people for things that I should be able to do myself. I learned a lot about what it means to love someone, and that ultimately love is shown through service to others. At a time in my life where I felt that I should be self-sufficient, I was relying on my mother to take care of me, which she did without reservation.

Weeks went by, I had plenty of doctor's appointments. I saw x-rays that never seemed to look much better. And when every time I got a new cast I got to see the frankenstein monster that was my arm before the new cast got put on. I finally got my last cast off for good on my Birthday. Then I started physical therapy for a couple more months. Three years later, and I still have nerve damage that affects part of my hand, and I lack the strength and mobility that I used to have. Plus, I am still paying medical bills.

Looking back at myself three years ago, I see a careless, stupid, and immature person. I can't believe what damage could be caused with a moment of carelessness, and how much more difficult it was made by years of bad decisions, and yet it was an important milestone in my life. The worry that I experienced in that hospital is what brought me back to prayer and back to Church. I needed to realize how empty my life had become in order to break myself of my old habits. Breaking my arm gave me an immediate reason to quit smoking, which hopefully will give me an opportunity to live a longer, more fulfilling life. Most importantly, I learned not to rely so much on myself, but on God, and on those wonderful people that God has given me in my life. And while I often complain about my lingering problems from the accident, those problems serve as a constant reminder to me of the lessons that I have learned. I'm not happy about what happened that day, but I am glad that my life has changed. I guess I would have preferred to have made good decisions throughout my life to avoid having to learn to fix those things the hard way.

Why do You eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?

2008-10-11T15:00:00.000-04:00

After these things He went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax office. And He said to him, "Follow Me." So he left all, rose up, and followed Him.

Then Levi gave Him a great feast in his own house. And there were a great number of tax collectors and others who sat down with them. And their scribes and the Pharisees complained against His disciples saying, "Why do You eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?"

Jesus answered and said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance."

It's been a few days since I have said my morning or evening prayers as I should, and this morning, I decided it was about time to get around to it again. And these are the words of the gospel appointed for today, the calling of St. Matthew to be a disciple of Christ. Every time I hear of St. Matthew's calling it is a strong reminder to me that, like my patron saint, I too am called out of the life that I have made for myself and to follow Christ. And it seems like I am always hearing these words at a time when I am clearly not living up to even my own standards for how I should live for God.

In reading these words today, my thought was "Why do You still eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners? St. Matthew was called and it says he "left all, rose up, and followed Him." That call is the same for all of us, and yet most of us stay right where we are. Those who do heed that call usually follow for a time and then wander off, hopefully to return later. And yet Christ remains with us despite our sins, despite our shameful treatment of others, all He asks is that we repent of our sins, make amends with our neighbor, and come and eat and drink with Him. And not only does He eat and drink with us, but He gives of Himself as our food and as our drink, abiding in us.

This morning's prayers brought a reminder that I am still in need of a physician, but that Christ is still sitting at the table of the feast, ready to eat and drink with me, and to give of Himself for my healing and forgiveness.

Some new prayer cards, hot off the presses

2008-10-09T13:56:00.000-04:00

I just added a few more prayer cards to my zazzle site, and thought I would give a heads up to anyone reading. They are all linked to a page where you can order prints if you like. I am up to 92 different products there, and hope to keep adding as much as I can to make it a valuable resource for anyone looking for nice quality prints, hopefully without breaking the bank.

Saint Kyriaki

Korsun Mother of God

Saint Herman of Alaska

Mourn Not For Me, Mother

I like your hat

2008-10-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

For years I have been aware of St. Spyridon's existence. He has been staring back at me from books for as long as I have been hunting up prototypes to paint. And every time I saw an icon of St. Spyridon, I thought the same thing, "I love that hat." That, unfortunately, was the sum total of my thinking on the matter. I never bothered to find out why he wore such a funny looking hat. I never looked up an account of his life to see when he lived, what he did, or why we remember him at all. St. Spyridon was always just that guy with the odd pointy hat.

A few years back, I took a trip to Greece. During that time, I spent a few days in Corfu. In planning the trip, I had all these grand ideas of visiting tons of Orthodox Churches that I had seen in books, but never seen in person. As it turns out, I only got into one church in Corfu. I walked into St. Spyridon's Cathedral, and found it to be very dark. It was hard to see much. The highlight of the whole experience was that I saw an icon of St. John of Damascus that I had actually used as a prototype several times before. Of course the icon was probably 25 feet in the air, and a little hard to see, but I had seen it, and for that I was happy. We only stayed for a couple minutes before we ran off to catch a bus. It was only after returning home from Greece that I read in an icon book that St. Spyridon is actually at St. Spyridon Cathedral in Corfu. It was only after returning home that I learned that he is in a glass case, and that every year they take him on procession in Corfu. I learned after the fact that they change his shoes every year because they are miraculously worn out as a sign that he is still active in going to help people.

I finally painted an icon of St. Spyridon last year. I know now that he wears that funny little hat because he was a farmer, and that was the kind of hat that farmers wore. I've read about his election as a bishop despite his lack of theological training. I have read about him going to the First Ecumenical Council. And I see now that there is so much more to St. Spyridon than just a guy in a hat. He is a shining example for all of us that it is not earthly wisdom or intellectual pursuits that make us Godly people, but rather a simple love for God and His Church, and a desire to follow where God leads us.

St. James the Persian also has a funny hat. And his sleeves have a hole halfway up the sleeve so that his arm hangs out there while the rest of the sleeve hangs down looking like an elephant's trunk. Needless to say I was similarly captivated by St. James the Persian. I finally painted an icon of St. James around the same time as St. Spyridon. In the process, I read about St. James, and learned about his horrific martyrdom. St. James had abandoned his faith for the worship of idols. When he repented, the King ordered soldiers to cut him into pieces while still alive. Each of his fingers and toes were cut off, then his arms and legs before finally being beheaded. All the while, St. James who had been weak enough to leave his faith before found faith to endure this suffering, and as he was cut apart, there was a sweet smell that came from his wounds.

This is just another example of a Saint with an incredible story, and one that leads us to repentance and to reconciliation to our loving and forgiving God, and to me he was just a guy with a neat outfit.

I realize that this is not just the way I look at the Saints of the Church, it is also how I tend to look at people in general. I am easily caught up in externals. I might remember things about how someone looks, what they are wearing, or what they were doing when I saw them, but I have always been very slow to engage people in a meaningful way. I am usually oblivious to what is going on in the lives of people that I encounter, and I'm sure that a great many times their lives can be edifying as well. Our calling as Christians is to be social beings as a reflection of the persons of the Trinity in unity, and yet my inclination has always been to seek isolation rather than communion with others. But it is only in learning to love my fellow Christians like St. Spyridon, St. James, the person standing next to me in Church, the person I interact with on a forum, a blog, or anywhere else that I will really understand what it means to be created in the image and likeness of God in Trinity.

Time to jump in...

2008-10-08T22:50:00.000-04:00

So this is the second blog that I have set up, and I have had it for days without using it. I don't particularly like the idea of having a blog because if what I write is boring, then it's not worth it for anyone else to read, and if what I write is interesting, I know I will only exult in the glory that is my magnificent writing. I don't really like either option too much. And yet it seems like you can't really call yourself a person unless you spill out your insides for everyone to see on some sort of electronic medium. And while I have a couple other sites, none of them is really an outlet for talking about the actual work of iconography. I use my website to showcase the finished work, and to write a little about the Saints depicted, but I rarely discuss what draws me to certain compositions, what I find compelling in the lives of the Saints, or what is going on in my spiritual life. So that's what I hope to do here. I can't guarantee it will be compelling reading, but I hope in some small way it can be edifying.